highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
