dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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