I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
