So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
