My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
