Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
