well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
