you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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