I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
