I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
They should really pass out barf bags in church
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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