the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
no you cant smoke seaweed
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
