end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize