god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
