Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
