I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
