My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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