I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize