We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
