oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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