i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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