3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
