We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
