her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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