can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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