it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
