I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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