Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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