I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
