i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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