you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
