do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
