when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
