Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
