I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
