So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Randomize
