Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
