Cold hands, warm shart.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
