did you get engaged???
True but thats because hes a fetus.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
