Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Damn victory sex feels great
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