I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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