i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
