we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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