She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
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