After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
