Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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