I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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