The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
