Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Small penises have feelings too.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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