so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize