His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
