He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I didn't notice because vodka
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
