So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just gargled with NyQuil
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
