I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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