We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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