i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
