chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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