How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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