Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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