I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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