I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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