I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
